This is what I should have said

© dietintenfisch

This is what I should have said

But didn’t.

This is me turning back time.

This is me creating an alternate universe.


Where you treat me with respect and don’t break up with me via E-mail,

Where you’re decent enough to at least give me a call from the long distance.

Where you don’t tell me that you love me, only to dream of someone else.

Where I tell you all the things I hate about you;


Like your constant tardiness,

Like the fact that you order for me without asking me what I want,

That you think all Austrians are rich and can afford everything and that I am spoiled,

That you lure me in and tell me things I want to hear, and you make me believe them because

you want to believe them yourself.

That you lie to me to lose your virginity.


This is what I should have said, but didn’t;




As I know you

© dietintenfisch

That sound I hear, is it real or not?

Water mixes with voices,

nature versus touch, I don’t know much.

When have I last paid this much attention to what’s going on around me?

Will I ever be paid to do this?

Will there be nature left to write about?

I want to shout!


Closing Arguments

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My Lord, Members of the Jury,

My client is not at fault in the matter at hand; without a doubt he has fulfilled his duties as a caring husband in every situation. He has given a pledge a long time ago and he has stuck with it until this day; to honour and to love, to support and to cherish his wife in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health until death do them part. Why he is being prosecuted and blamed for the end of his marriage is beyond me.

In the situation of interest here, the vacation in the Italian hotel with the cat in the rain, my client did not only listen to his wife attentively, he also offered to fetch the cat for her that she so desired. How could he know that she would decline his offer so harshly and without any sign of gratitude? It cannot be held against him that he then replied to her rudeness with equal rudeness. For he noticed that his spouse had no interest in building bridges over the abyss that had opened between them; no she made them collapse. Investing in someone who has no interest in doing the same for her partner is not only frustrating but also pointless. When faced with someone who doesn’t speak their mind honestly, who doesn’t express herself clearly but expects her husband to know what she wants without telling him; powers of divination are required. A marriage is not a world of fiction and fantasy though; it can only rely on communication through language. If one of the partners is not able to interact in a way that causes understanding, communication breakdown will occur. My client’s wife’s inability to communicate successfully due to her immaturity and inability to address reality, has led to this communication breakdown in this situation.

As the prosecution has argued, the cat was not the issue for the separation, but it served my client’s wife as a tool of expressing discontent about her life in general. It might have, it did not, however, enable my client to lessen the burden of his significant other, as she spoke to him about a cat and a cat only. If she meant to express her frustration with her life or her marriage, she should have done so directly, instead of metaphorically. My client literally did not know what his wife meant when she spoke to him about her desire for getting that cat in the rain.

He nevertheless generously offered to get the cat for her because he wanted to satisfy her, he wanted to fulfill her every wish. Even though he could not grasp the underlying meaning of his wife’s utterances about the cat, he was still perceptive enough to grasp that she was unhappy in this situation and as he believes it is his job as a husband to keep his wife happy every second of every day, he tried to do so but wasn’t able to, as she rejected his help. Precisely at the moment where he offered his support, she seemed to have decided that she didn’t want or need his help and, thus her nagging about the cat and her underlying motive of him getting it for her, seems to serve no purpose at all, other than being an annoyance to her husband. Therefore, I argue it is her fault and her fault only; that this marriage has come to an end.

Thank you for your attention.


Red and Yellow

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For the first time, she really was aware of the city noise. Was it the man passing her, screaming into his phone, his voice swallowed by the cars driving by; was it the thundering underground train that connects people with their work place; or was it a mixture of all? It was funny, she thought, she had always lived here and never once thought about the noise before. In fact, there were parts of the city that were completely calm, expecially in autumn. She liked it when the leaves turned red and yellow. They made her think of Alice. She pushed the thought away. She wasn’t going to dominate her thinking today. She wouldn’t let her. How do you go on when everything ends? She had learned that there was always an end to pain, the body just couldn’t cope with it for ever. There had been darkness, something she’d been afraid of all her life, for an eternity and then someone had somewhere made a joke and she had laughed. Just like that there had been this joke, this silver lining, and this strange sensation of laughing that she had felt in her body. And at the end of the darkness she had seen light.

Smoking on the balcony

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I could tell from looking at her. I could tell she was falling apart on the inside. She was standing there with a cigarette in her hand and a smile on her face, smiling away the hurt. She had always done it like that. Tony had always smiled away everything; she had that invisible wall around her that protected her. That was the difference between us. When I was hurt, I dived into it. My sister though chose to be invincible on the outside. Even as a child she had avoided showing her emotions whenever possible. She had hidden somewhere, listened to music, taken a walk, always alone. After fighting, we never talked about it; we just pretended it hadn’t happened. We made amends, like we were supposed to; we made amends like we had to. Watching her now through the glass door, having a smoke on the balcony, I had to think of a poem I had once written about her but never shown her.

I love you

I hate you

I need you

I want you

I love you

Those five lines were truer than anything else I had ever written. Sometimes I hated her for all the things she had done to me, but most of the time I adored her.